I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
