Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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