I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
