How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
