You're my little dorito
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
