know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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