2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
