i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
