I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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