Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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