nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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