My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
