i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
