I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
