I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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