Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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