This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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