i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
