I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
