I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
