You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
