Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
