if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
