opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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