She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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