i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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