I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
