He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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