Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
