Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
