I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They took my balls.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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