I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
