Too much gin, very little bucket
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
