Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
