Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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