I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
