If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
