What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
