I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
