I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
