Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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