i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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