Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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