I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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