So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
