i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
