I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
