Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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