Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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