we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
