I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
