so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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