I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
