I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
